The Universe is a Funny Thing...

I'm agnostic.

The reason for the rather blunt opening, is that is says a bit about me. Part of me would like to believe that there is a higher power at play and sometimes I see a glimpse of this, but on the whole I need some hard evidence or a pretty amazing experience to turn me around.
Having said that, I haven't quite got the commitment to be an atheist.

But over the past several months, there have been some little occurrences that have started me thinking that if there isn't a god, then maybe there is some kind of universal life force gently steering us in a certain direction, or at least giving us some hope when it starts to feel a little desperate.

I may have mentioned some of these before - for example meeting a woman who would become my best friend here where I live who has helped and listened to me a lot over the past several months. She came into my life at just the right time.
That my baby I is a lovely, chilled out, healthy baby. Without sounding terrible, if she had been ill, upset, a bad sleeper, it may have been enough to tip me right over the edge.
And other little signs.

Recently I was down the street with the kids and my friend and her kids, when I began to feel a little melancholy. BS (before separation), I would have called P to say hi, see if he wanted to catch up for a lunch/coffee or see if he wanted me to bring him anything while he worked. But that day I didn't feel like I could. I'm sure he would not have minded, but I'm still working out this new territory, and don't want to do anything which makes me seem over bearing and pushes me outside my comfort zone, but I also don't want to give the impression I'm being rude or deliberately ignoring him. So I didn't call him.

He called to see how the boys were going that afternoon, and he found out I was metres from his work. So of course, I brought the boys in for a quick hello.

So we walked to his work. The place that I had visited many many times before. To meet him there after work when we shared the one car, when I would take the kids to visit him when he worked on a weekend, sometimes bearing coffee or lunch, where I would pop in sometimes on my lunch break bearing lunch or just to say hello. But on this day, I approached with a little bit of dread.

And then when he came out to see us, I started feeling sick. Anxious. Uncomfortable. And I started breathing quickly. I hard to deliberately breathe deeply to calm down.

We made chit chat. I found it difficult to make eye contact. I breathed deeply. He could appreciate how I felt, so he offered to walk us up to our car. Or that may have been a nice way of making sure I didn't hang around!

And then at a time when I was feeling out of control and out of my depth, I bumped into a friend who I was planning to catch up with in a couple of weeks. We chatted in front of P, and I thanked the universe for reminding me that I'm capable of making other new connections who will help pull me through, whereas BS I would have been solely reliant on P, being my husband and best friend...

But then as we left, I dropped again, and cried in the car, with the kids in the back seat. They rarely see me upset, and while I feel bad for them to see me sad, I also think it's good for them to see that yes, I do find the separation upsetting. My little boy asked me again and again "What's wrong Mumma?" and my eldest explained wisely "Mum gets sad sometimes when she sees Dad".

So I pulled out of the car park, the tears in my eyes clearing, my eldest pointed out that my favourite song was playing on the radio. So I cranked it up, and we sang about Happiness is the Truth all the way home.

The night my husband's special friend's husband called me up

Say What?

Firstly, I don't know how to refer to her. Special Friend can do for now.

So I knew that she had left her husband. A friend had inadvertently told me it had happened a couple of months ago (placing it around the same time as P had left me). But when questioned on it, P said told me to my face that it only happened in December and that he had no idea about it until she told him, after she left him.

But then last night when the boys were with their dad and baby I was sleeping, her husband called me on my home number. I still don't know how he got my number. I've only met him briefly once, and to be honest I don't even remember (probably because I was pregnant at the time!) All the feelings came flooding back while he talked - the sickness in the pit of my stomach, the cotton feeling in my head, the feeling that the floor is slipping away, the energy draining away from my body. To be honest I didn't have the focus to explain my side of the story or question him too much about events. I mainly listened.

So apparently she left her husband basically around the same time that P left me. Maybe a couple of weeks later.

He had called her one morning this week to discuss the kids, and she didn't answer, and then got really nervous when she thought he was at her new place. It turned out this was the morning that P badly scratched his car while driving out of his driveway (something he never does, he is an excellent driver). It looks very likely that they have already been spending nights together.

And then when asked about it continuously, she finally admitted to her husband that yes, they have just started up an 'intimate relationship'.

Like P, she has admitted to her husband that she has met someone who has made her feel alive and amazing. Like me, this man knew that something was changing around the time they met and started working together.
Like me, this man feels like a fool.

And P had looked me in the eye and said he was not going to be rushing into anything.

It all just feels like a huge slap in the face. To say the least.

How do I ever trust a man again?
And how do I continue to deflect when our oldest asks me why we separated?

* Disclaimer. Referring to her as his partner is premature, when they have just started seeing each other. It is however more succinct than "the woman my husband basically left me for as he believes that she is his soulmate."

No relationships were destroyed in the making of this relationship!

Would that make a catchy t-shirt?

Despite my relatively new status as "separated", I feel no awkwardness or 'jealousy' around my coupled friends. And I've had so much to process that I hadn't even thought about how my new status may over time change how some people may see me. That is until I read this.

I honestly don't think my coupled friends will stop inviting me to their kids parties. But an innocent comment made in jest by my girlfriend the other night made me think. The father of one of my children's good friends had popped around for a cup of coffee one afternoon when P had the boys, and had brought his daughter along. I mentioned this in passing while recounting my day to my girlfriend, and she joked to be careful as people might start talking about me and this man. I quipped back that it would indeed be a stupid person to bring along their young daughter if they wanted to keep the visit on the sly. Especially as she had fallen in love with some new Christmas presents and would no doubt have regaled her mum with all the details of the sounds and flashing lights she had encountered.

But this led me to think - is there another reason why some coupled friends avoid the odd numbered guest - are some women potentially threatened by someone who is now 'available'?

As I was punishing myself  doing a cycling class last night, this popped into my head. I know you can't help where your heart leads you, but for me I've never been interested in anyone who was in a relationship. Maybe I've just been lucky? Maybe there are many normally good, honest people who who end up in this position.

For me, whether someone is dating or married, that person is 'out of bounds'.

I know this doesn't apply to everyone. My husband for one who fell in love with a married woman. (Who in turn has 'co-incidentally' recently separated from her husband.) And I believed you couldn't get a more honest, decent person than my husband. Well I still believe..but it gets a little complicated and depends on how vulnerable I'm feeling...

So as you can imagine, I've got some major issues coming up re trusting another bloke again.