The Somewhat Obligatory New Year Post

So today I finally have a moment to jot down some thoughts about New Years. This date, the 4th Jan,  also used to be my wedding anniversary and I have to say it is a relief to have gotten to a point where I feel better about this date.

What is it about the changing of one year to the next? In a lot of ways it's just an arbitrary change - just by the change of time from one minute to the next we are hurtled from one year to the next. But we've attached so much meaning to new years and fresh starts. I guess we all like the chance to start again - to change a pattern, improve ourselves, give ourselves a chance to renew. This can happen any time, but a new year has great symbolism and holds promise.

The day of New Years Eve was a dark day for me. I always feel a little out of sorts when returning back home from being away seeing family and friends, and this was compounded by my eldest displaying incredibly challenging behaviour all day. Frankly, if he was several years older I would be entitled to refer to him as a prick, without judgement. So of course, I will not be using that term. I felt alone, a failure and frustrated. I felt let down by my lovely partner because he was busy working and didn't reach out as he didn't know I needed help. Of course, this was because I didn't ask or explain because, you know, despite the best of intentions and how better you get at stuff, old habits die hard.

So by the time 6pm came around I did not feel like socialising. I drove in silence with a full car, close to tears behind my sunglasses and screaming at myself "Remember, you do not want to be in this dark place again! Either drive around or change it and don't ruin the rest of this night!"

Our New Years Eve was spent with two other couples and their children and it ended up being a lovely evening. They have a romantic rustic place in the bush complete with its own old wooden church that is no longer used and now sits on their property. After we ate and while the children were running around in the darkness being silly, we sat in the church and drank. Through one of the small windows, I could see the camp fire on which our dinner had been cooked, glowing in the dark.

We chatted about the kind of nothing you can with friends and we all conceded that none of us bother with making New Years resolutions.

As we drove back to my place, the kids asleep in the back and the smell of camp fire around us, I confessed how bad today had been. Without judgement, he told me that I can't have another day like that again. It ended up being the first night that he stayed over at the house.

So I have no New Years resolutions to break in a matter of days. But it was definitely a night where there was a shift in our relationship for the better, and a good reminder, that no matter how bad you feel, how crappy your day, your week, your year, it can and will turn around, with a little bit of effort.

Slow down, you move too fast

I have a tendency to think ahead, to think of the what ifs, the hypothetical. To think about what could have been, what might be.

When I was first seperated, you can imagine the thoughts racing through my mind; how will I meet someone again, how will  I be able to trust someone again (with my heart, and with my children's hearts), how will I afford to keep a roof over our heads, what will Christmas look like, where is my home now - do I stay here or leave all together...you get the idea!

But over the past  year I have gotten better at trying to conserve my energy and mental space for the things in front of me that are actually happening, of trying to be more in the moment.

But yesterday, it hit me out of the blue.

You see, I was adamant that I didn't want a relationship. Then I met a fabulous person, and was adamant I didn't want things to get serious with him. And then, after we'd been seeing each other a little while, it hit me that I Really Like This Guy. And so we continued for a couple of months, both being ok with really liking the other person, and being ok with How Serious This Was Getting.

We had both come out of relationships fairly recently, and talked about taking this at the right pace especially As There Were Children Involved.

The thoughts that used to pop up in the back of my mind like You Shouldn't Be In A Relationship This Soon After Seperation, and Move Slowly, became less and less, and I was getting very comfortable with how good this was. I stopped keeping the safe distance between the two of us, and gave myself over to the fact that maybe This Could Be The One.

The weekend before last, we went on a crazy road trip that involved us catching up with our respective families, and introducing each other to our families. My family only consists of my mum and my dad. My dad and he got on like a house on fire discussing their common interest, my mum didn't cope too well (but that's a whole other issue) and he seemed ok with that too.

So everything was going swimmingly, and we were on the same page about where this was going and how we were feeling about it.

And then it started. I started noticing my professions about my feelings weren't being reciprocated at the same rate. But I was ok with that, as we're different people and he is generally very demonstrative. And then in the last week, I noticed the little reminders about us taking it slow coming back up. This time it was in how he relayed to me what his family and friends thought of me. It appears that they generally agreed that I seemed like I could be The One...but he had to take it slow/take it easy/not rush things. They have all said this to him in all good intentions, as he has a history of being in relationships with women who have ultimately taken advantage of him.

And then yesterday, after spending a lovely afternoon together with him and my kids, his farewell greeting was "My sister said on the phone yesterday to take it slow".
Buzz kill. And so since then that's all I can think about. I know he's said this in all innocence, and that he believes that there is no rules for how this relationship should play out and that he wants this to be his best and last relationship. Those words would normally have made my heart melt, but now all I can think of, is this indeed a sign from the universe? That I wasn't pushing this relationship any harder than he was, but why is he now the only one starting to put some brakes on?

Since yesterday, I have felt a bit sick about this. And I never wanted to feel sick in a relationship ever again. I still believe we have a good thing, and he has told me today that he didn't mean anything by it, that he's still madly in love with me and wants this to be his best and last relationship, but I still feel a bit uneasy.

I can rationalise what he's saying. I know we're not over. But why the feeling? The sickness? Why have I today started to put up some barriers between us, which surely is the death knell of a relationship?

And then, just a little while ago it hit me. I've been reminded that I have really fallen for this guy, and I could really be badly hurt if this ends.

Blergh.

So it's at this point, I could choose to protect myself, to end this now in case I get really hurt in the future.
Or I could keep articulating to him how I feel allowing us to work through this together, and take a gamble that I could be hurt in the future. To choose this good thing now and continuing to honour that, and see where that takes us.

I'm picking the latter...

The bump in!

I live in a 'major regional city'. Which means you're often no more than 20 minutes from virtually anywhere you need to go to. That you can drive the kids to school and day care and be sitting at your work desk within 30 minutes. That you regularly bump into people you know when you're shopping at Coles.

Last year I was dreading bumping into the woman my ex basically left me for. I made certain decisions about places not to go to, people not to talk to,  in order to minimise this risk.

But in all this time, up until today, I've only bumped into her once. It was so fleeting I almost missed it, except for catching one of her children having a full meltdown in public.

Today I was in Coles, with a trolley holding too much shopping given my online grocery shop the day before, with my youngest sitting in the toddler seat, my middle child standing up in the front of the trolley like a captain at sea, and my eldest pushing the the whole shebang. It was a rare moment of calm and perfection.

And then, I turned, saw her amongst the apples and encouraged my children to say hi to her and her kids.

She walked up to me, and we chatted, all smiles. I have never known an adult mouth to hold as many teeth as hers. It was civil, superficial, and all about the kids. We discussed paper planes and the challenges of shopping with children.

And that's why you never leave the house looking shabby, for you never know who you'll bump into!