I like this song. Not all of these words are exactly pertinent, but these ones in particular are:
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember
You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
It's been nearly a year since our separation, and yes it's been a roller coaster of emotions. But after having overall what has been a pretty good couple of months where I felt happier than I had in a long time, plus embarking on a whirlwind romance with a guy that is disconcertingly lovely and great with the kids; for the past week and a bit I have had this weird feeling towards my ex.
Like he is dead to me.
It's awful to admit to myself, awful to write, and it was awful for him to hear this morning.
I don't hate him. But I don't like him or even feel any degree of respect. Right now, I feel absolutely nothing towards him.
I see him when we exchange the kids, but I can barely bring myself to look at him, to engage with him in anyway. At the moment, it is like he is not even there.
He knew I'd been 'shitty' in the last week and a half, so I explained on the phone - clarified, that no, I wasn't shitty...I just felt indifference.
Maybe it's the tiredness from our baby who is currently waking up pretty much every hour or two at night.
Maybe it's the hormones from the Mirena IUD I've just had put in a couple of weeks ago.
Maybe the emotions, and the thinking, and the processing from the last year, combined with the local show I worked on at nights while working during the day, has finally caught up with me, and I'm just exhausted. Too exhausted to feel anything else.
Or maybe it's that this very lovely guy, who really listens, who looks into my eyes, who engages with my kids and basically is present in a way my ex wasn't for years, has highlighted how unhappy I had been during the end of our marriage.