So today I finally have a moment to jot down some thoughts about New Years. This date, the 4th Jan, also used to be my wedding anniversary and I have to say it is a relief to have gotten to a point where I feel better about this date.
What is it about the changing of one year to the next? In a lot of ways it's just an arbitrary change - just by the change of time from one minute to the next we are hurtled from one year to the next. But we've attached so much meaning to new years and fresh starts. I guess we all like the chance to start again - to change a pattern, improve ourselves, give ourselves a chance to renew. This can happen any time, but a new year has great symbolism and holds promise.
The day of New Years Eve was a dark day for me. I always feel a little out of sorts when returning back home from being away seeing family and friends, and this was compounded by my eldest displaying incredibly challenging behaviour all day. Frankly, if he was several years older I would be entitled to refer to him as a prick, without judgement. So of course, I will not be using that term. I felt alone, a failure and frustrated. I felt let down by my lovely partner because he was busy working and didn't reach out as he didn't know I needed help. Of course, this was because I didn't ask or explain because, you know, despite the best of intentions and how better you get at stuff, old habits die hard.
So by the time 6pm came around I did not feel like socialising. I drove in silence with a full car, close to tears behind my sunglasses and screaming at myself "Remember, you do not want to be in this dark place again! Either drive around or change it and don't ruin the rest of this night!"
Our New Years Eve was spent with two other couples and their children and it ended up being a lovely evening. They have a romantic rustic place in the bush complete with its own old wooden church that is no longer used and now sits on their property. After we ate and while the children were running around in the darkness being silly, we sat in the church and drank. Through one of the small windows, I could see the camp fire on which our dinner had been cooked, glowing in the dark.
We chatted about the kind of nothing you can with friends and we all conceded that none of us bother with making New Years resolutions.
As we drove back to my place, the kids asleep in the back and the smell of camp fire around us, I confessed how bad today had been. Without judgement, he told me that I can't have another day like that again. It ended up being the first night that he stayed over at the house.
So I have no New Years resolutions to break in a matter of days. But it was definitely a night where there was a shift in our relationship for the better, and a good reminder, that no matter how bad you feel, how crappy your day, your week, your year, it can and will turn around, with a little bit of effort.
