I have a tendency to think ahead, to think of the what ifs, the hypothetical. To think about what could have been, what might be.
When I was first seperated, you can imagine the thoughts racing through my mind; how will I meet someone again, how will I be able to trust someone again (with my heart, and with my children's hearts), how will I afford to keep a roof over our heads, what will Christmas look like, where is my home now - do I stay here or leave all together...you get the idea!
But over the past year I have gotten better at trying to conserve my energy and mental space for the things in front of me that are actually happening, of trying to be more in the moment.
But yesterday, it hit me out of the blue.
You see, I was adamant that I didn't want a relationship. Then I met a fabulous person, and was adamant I didn't want things to get serious with him. And then, after we'd been seeing each other a little while, it hit me that I Really Like This Guy. And so we continued for a couple of months, both being ok with really liking the other person, and being ok with How Serious This Was Getting.
We had both come out of relationships fairly recently, and talked about taking this at the right pace especially As There Were Children Involved.
The thoughts that used to pop up in the back of my mind like You Shouldn't Be In A Relationship This Soon After Seperation, and Move Slowly, became less and less, and I was getting very comfortable with how good this was. I stopped keeping the safe distance between the two of us, and gave myself over to the fact that maybe This Could Be The One.
The weekend before last, we went on a crazy road trip that involved us catching up with our respective families, and introducing each other to our families. My family only consists of my mum and my dad. My dad and he got on like a house on fire discussing their common interest, my mum didn't cope too well (but that's a whole other issue) and he seemed ok with that too.
So everything was going swimmingly, and we were on the same page about where this was going and how we were feeling about it.
And then it started. I started noticing my professions about my feelings weren't being reciprocated at the same rate. But I was ok with that, as we're different people and he is generally very demonstrative. And then in the last week, I noticed the little reminders about us taking it slow coming back up. This time it was in how he relayed to me what his family and friends thought of me. It appears that they generally agreed that I seemed like I could be The One...but he had to take it slow/take it easy/not rush things. They have all said this to him in all good intentions, as he has a history of being in relationships with women who have ultimately taken advantage of him.
And then yesterday, after spending a lovely afternoon together with him and my kids, his farewell greeting was "My sister said on the phone yesterday to take it slow".
Buzz kill. And so since then that's all I can think about. I know he's said this in all innocence, and that he believes that there is no rules for how this relationship should play out and that he wants this to be his best and last relationship. Those words would normally have made my heart melt, but now all I can think of, is this indeed a sign from the universe? That I wasn't pushing this relationship any harder than he was, but why is he now the only one starting to put some brakes on?
Since yesterday, I have felt a bit sick about this. And I never wanted to feel sick in a relationship ever again. I still believe we have a good thing, and he has told me today that he didn't mean anything by it, that he's still madly in love with me and wants this to be his best and last relationship, but I still feel a bit uneasy.
I can rationalise what he's saying. I know we're not over. But why the feeling? The sickness? Why have I today started to put up some barriers between us, which surely is the death knell of a relationship?
And then, just a little while ago it hit me. I've been reminded that I have really fallen for this guy, and I could really be badly hurt if this ends.
So it's at this point, I could choose to protect myself, to end this now in case I get really hurt in the future.
Or I could keep articulating to him how I feel allowing us to work through this together, and take a gamble that I could be hurt in the future. To choose this good thing now and continuing to honour that, and see where that takes us.
I'm picking the latter...