Thursday, 31 October 2013

A new way forward

There are many upsetting things about separation and a lot of new territory to discover while feeling quite fragile.

Two days ago while my ex (who I will refer to as P) and I were in the bathroom getting ready for the day ahead, I asked him what was in store for the day. We used to always do this, and then at the end of the day we would debrief on the victories, frustrations and trivialities of the day. These casual conversations would soon no longer be - we would have to call up the other person to find out how their day was going.

In a moment of hurt as I realised this, I quipped "well you'll have to find someone else to discuss your day with. I won't be here to ask you anymore". The minute I said this, I regretted it.
P replied, a little hurt "I would like to think that I can still talk about this with you, as you can discuss your day with me. But if you don't want to…"

Probably a year ago, I would have let this ride. But now I turned to him and apologised, explaining that I was just a little hurt and trying to hurt him. P understood. There will be so many things, little and big, that I wouldn't want to discuss with anyone else because we have so much history and understanding between us. But at what point does it become too much - at some point will I then have to wonder about calling him up too much?

Tonight, like most nights, he is working late. Up until two weeks ago, I would have had no hesitation calling him just to see how he was going and when he thought he would be home. But now, while we are still under the same roof at least for a couple more nights, I have no claim over him anymore. He doesn't need to consider me in his plans anymore, and while I understand this, it also hurts a little too.

P and I were friends before we were a couple. And now we will need to find a new way forward, forging a new relationship where we are just friends again.

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