Tuesday, 29 October 2013

Ground Zero

"I can't do this anymore".

These are the words my husband of 10 years said to me. Two weeks ago today, my world as I knew it fell apart.

You know that almost cliche move you see in films when the woman in despair slides down the wall to the ground? That's how I felt. The floor slid out from under me and my stomach plummeted. I felt sick, my head swam. I couldn't believe it, yet I knew this was coming for a couple of months.

A couple of months ago, when I was still pregnant I sat down with my husband late one night and started the conversation. That I knew that something wasn't right with our relationship. That I wanted to talk about it and work on it. But when I looked in my husband's eyes, I could see that as far as he was concerned, it was over. There was no working on it. But we agreed to talk about it after the baby was born to prevent me from becoming more stressed while I was pregnant.  I was a mess that night, and for a couple of days after then. But I tried telling myself that we would still be ok, even though I could tell in his eyes, his voice, his hellos and goodbyes that we were done.

The next day at work when I sobbed briefly at my workstation, a colleague asked if I was ok.
"I think we're splitting up".

Two weeks ago my world fell apart. In two weeks I have been on a roller coaster - at my highs I am organised, project managing our separation and focusing on the positives that will come from this separation. At my lows I cry, get angry at what I sense is a betrayal and doubt how I will manage juggling three kids under 7 by myself while working full time.

I know my husband doesn't want to hurt me. That he hasn't been unfaithful. He has simply fallen out of love with me. We are not soul mates. And while I came to this realisation myself several months before, I would not have had the guts to admit this out loud. But he has.

So now I am thrown into a situation I understand, but still hurts and shocks me. So with a broken heart, I have these options:

  1. Become a victim, and make this separation even harder
  2. Learn from why we are breaking up, and grow from this.
I'm choosing number 2. And this blog is an attempt to document my journey. How will I look a year from now, A Year from Ground Zero?

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