Tuesday, 5 November 2013

A House Warming Present

"How well adjusted am I? I just put together a house warming present for P" I jokingly boasted to a friend two days ago.

I pulled out a large collage photo frame that we had bought ages ago but never had gotten around to filling, and printed out several photos so P could have something of our kids at his new place.

In there were photos of our three children together, of the older two doting over baby I shortly after she was born (she is now 8 weeks), of his mum and dad with our children, of him with his brother and dad one Christmas. But there are no photos of me in there. Or us. No wedding photo, no photo taken in the early days of our relationship where the happiness beamed through our smiles and our eyes, no photo of me with any of our children. 

I don't want to be there on his wall, a reminder to our kids when they are there, that I am not. I don't want to be a witness when one day he brings someone else back to his place. 

But also because it has been a long time since we had any photos taken together. Because there are only a few photos of me with our children. And that makes me a little upset. No matter how many times I brought this to his attention, nothing changed. And I remind myself of the occasionally annoying, hurtful things he did. Not to be mean, but to help counter balance the good guy image he has. To remind myself that while he was lovely, generous, thoughtful, he was not perfect. That he was often more helpful to others, than those at home waiting for him. To help me cope.

But as I put this frame together it felt good. It felt good that I was doing something nice for our kids, and that even though it still hurt, that I was able to do something nice for P.

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